An Open Letter

Dear Military School:

My 12-year-old son would make an excellent candidate for your fine institution. First of all, he is academically advanced and has no police record. His teachers report that he is a joy to teach, full of good ideas and leadership skills.However, at home he is surly, lazy, dirty, sloppy, argumentative and too many other adjectives to list. We are currently in the processing of confiscating his electronic entertainment and he is getting THIS close to being grounded. We almost banned him from going to his good friend's birthday party this afternoon but then realized we would be stuck with him instead, so we are making an exception, especially since the party is five hours long. (Dancing happy jig.)

We know he is going through a typical adolescent phase and will probably grow up to be an upstanding citizen. Until then, I think he (and our mental health) would really benefit from the discipline meted out at your school. He could still come home for summer breaks (maybe) and all major holidays.

In payment for your services, he could help you troubleshoot your computers; help link up all Wi-Fi enabled devices; share his thoughts and opinions on how other people aren't very smart and are doing things the wrong way; instruct you on which things are "lame" and entertain younger students by coordinating bike races, which he does with the neighbors. You don't need to keep him very long. Maybe five years or so.

Thank you in advance for accepting him!