Saturday, March 28, 2009

More WTF, Now With Antioxidants!

Has antioxidants kicked flax off the health-food-fad bandwagon? Flax totally deserved it after giving soy milk a major ass-whoopin'. I hear that soy milk is banding together with the Atkins diet for a diabolical scheme to get back on top. But they’ll have to kick and scratch at gingko biloba, which didn’t get to enjoy its 15 minutes and is now seeking vengeance.

Ginseng is watching this folly from the sidelines and laughing at it all. Ginseng is wise. It would never pair with Jell-O, or so I hope.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

This Week's WTF

  • Today I purchased a large plastic storage box from Target. On the underside of the lid is a sticker with a drawing of a small child sitting inside the box and the lid being placed on top, with a big slash mark over the whole image. WTF? For a minute I toyed with the idea that I had misunderstood, that perhaps the sticker was making a statement about world overpopulation or that children should only be placed in lidless boxes. Finally I conceded that, yes, somewhere out there is a person for whom this sticker is necessary. And that person probably breeds.

  • I am in my early-40s and today received my first mail solicitation for funeral planning. WTF? Talk about jumping the gun! At least let me get my AARP card first, then place me on the mailing list for free adult diaper samples, and then hit me up to buy those cool little senior scooters and the special bathtubs that allow me to take a bath while sitting on a raised platform. Then we can talk funeral planning.

  • Finally, I had to give myself a big talk today after I dropped off at Goodwill umpteenth bags of unwanted stuff, useless, unnecessary things that we cleared out this weekend during a purging of our home office. After making the donations, I then proceeded to go into the store to check out more useless, unnecessary things. WTF?

    I was excited to find the same model of my vacuum cleaner being offered for $19.99. (Too bad it was missing the dirt cup, which you kind of need to use unless you enjoy having dirt, dust and dog hair swirled right back into your environment. But I digress.) I finally made myself walk out of there without purchasing any books, toys, CDs or framed paintings of street scenes.
So I pat myself on the back and share that with you. You're welcome!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

For Your Next Underground Bunker

There are people who claim to see signs that the world is ending. I've made my own predictions in the past (Crocs? Asian Fusion cuisine? Techno? Anyone ... Bueller?) but now I have the mother of all Exhibit-A's:

Yes, now you can buy individually packed servings of Spam. I can hear the masses rejoicing, because don't we all know the pain of ripping open a can of Spam (with the easy-top opening tab), plopping out that gelatinous block of meat-like substance and then slicing it with a knife? Why, these Spam Single packs will save you about 60 seconds of labor, which makes the wasted packaging and higher unit price so worth it.

My friend Gordon sent me this photo. Yes, it's his Spam, which I believe he obtained at the grand opening of a Costco near him on Oahu. Hawaii is a Spam-crazy state. I enjoy it in limited amounts, such as in fried rice or with my ramen noodles. I do not enjoy it fried up and slapped between two slices of white bread, which is how I was forced to eat it as a child. Sometimes, for variety, my mother would coat the bread with mayo, which just made it worse.

Gordon notes that the 3 oz. serving of Spam Single contains 990 mg. of sodium, which I think should preserve it nicely and make it a wonderful addition to your underground bunker, in which I hope you'll invite me to join you when the world starts collapsing on itself.

On a brighter note, I leave you with a recipe for Spam Musubi that I found on the Internet. Spam Musubi is kind of like sushi with a cooked slice of Spam on top. Obviously, it is not a traditional Japanese item but an adaptation that was created by someone living in -- where else? -- Hawaii. Click here for the recipe and let me know if you try it. I like Spam musubi but will not make it at home because it if turns out well I'll be making it WAY too often. Heaven knows that I stand on too many other slippery slopes as it is.

One is the Loneliest Prime Number....

To the three people who read my blog, I'm sorry I didn't post any entries in nearly two weeks. I was busy feeling blue.

I was feeling blue because of one or more of the following reasons:
  • My kids are ungrateful little brats who don't appreciate what they have. (Actually, I've been told this isn't true.)
  • My friends don't really care about me. (Or maybe they've been busy recovering from the flu, chauffeuring their kids to activities and trying to balance work and family.)
  • My husband doesn't look or act like a virile 25-year-old. (Neither do I, of course, but who's keeping score?)
  • My toenails are in need of a pedicure. (True.)

However, I'm bored with feeling blue so I'm over it. Angst and melancholy remind me of these two really handsome but vapid guys I went out on dates with in college -- At first, each guy was an exciting novelty, but by the end of the evening, I was so bored I could have fallen asleep standing up. Also, one of the guys spent the evening doing Pee Wee Herman impressions, which are only funny the first 8 times. The other guy turned out to be one of those people who dance to their mirrored reflections on the dance floor, and there's just no excuse for that.

So I'm ready to turn my frown upside down and there are many things to cheer me. We just got digital cable and now I can watch Beastie Boys videos on demand. I'm going out this week with some girlfriends who always make me laugh. And I just remembered I have a brand new bottle of Baileys sitting in my kitchen.

Good times!